The last time I did one of these recaps, my Christmas tree was still up. Jail! (Except not really, because prisons should be abolished, so maybe I should be forced to attend a “straight pride” event instead. Which is, by the way, what exactly??????? Karaoke at Applebee’s?) Either way, it has been a criminally long time since we’ve revisited my favorite chaotic reality competition show.
In this recap, we’re going to reflect on the episode where fan-favorite and future winner of All Stars in Cycle 17, Lisa D’Amato, pees in a diaper on the set of a photoshoot. We have a lot to unpack here, obviously, so let’s get right to it.
This week’s episode takes place about halfway through the competition. We’re down to six girls, and, in this week’s challenge, they're learning more about the day-to-day life of a working model, which, apparently, includes understanding the importance of having an entourage?
And they are fucking enthralled.
Now, I’m not a model, but I’m friends with a few. I had my research and development team (read: me) reach out to a friend, who’s a working model, to inquire about their entourage. She responded with, “Does my ADHD coach count?” There you have it, folks. ANTM, once again, hit the nail on the head when it comes to breaking down the reality of working as a model.
After their lesson on entourage management, the girls are sent home to rest up before their challenge, which takes place the following day. No rest is had, only chaos continues to reign supreme in the model household—spearheaded by none other than my unhinged sis, Lisa.
The girls are flummoxed!
First of all, these are my friends’ reactions to literally anything I say. It’s either aggrievement or varying degrees of concern—there is no in-between! Imagine going to dinner with me, and I’m just trying to be myself—suddenly piping up about Joan Cusack’s earlier underrated roles, or just repeatedly yelling “POTSTICKERS” at no one in particular, while clapping for each syllable—and all I get in response is a card with a crisis hotline listed on it.
Listen, it’s hard out here for those of us with—let’s say—unique personalities. Thankfully, there are three axioms by which we abide, that keep us steeped in solidarity. I’ll let Lisa recite them:
I think we could all benefit from following these three principles from time to time, no?
The next day, the girls are presented with the opportunity to assemble their own entourages. Their selections appear to be a bunch of poor souls paid in lunch stipends to act as assistants to hair, make-up, and wardrobe.
Then, they are tasked with making collages that best reflect who they are.
So, after badgering their miserable fakakta entourages—who literally just want to collect their twenty-five-dollar gifts cards to Panera and get the fuck out of Dodge—into styling and dressing them, the models also make them make their collages for them. Whatever these faux assistants were paid—which I’m sure was not a lot to begin with—was not nearly enough.
But, wait! Why do they need to make collages in the first place? I’m glad you asked. They are to present their collages to an A-list Hollywood talent manager in hopes of convincing him to pick theirs as the winner of the challenge, which includes landing a walk-on role on the series Veronica Mars.
Who knew elementary school art had such sway? You’d be surprised! Do you know how I found representation as a writer? I marched right the fuck into the offices of a literary agency with a diorama that I had made out of a dusty Adidas shoebox from the back of my closet, and was like, “Lmao can u rep me?" And guess what! I got signed! Except I never got a minor role on a CW show, so I’m calling my agent as soon as I send out this newsletter—and I’ll be in a mood!!!!!!!!
Anyway, Kim wins the challenge and appears on Veronica Mars as an ornery front desk worker at a car rental place.
For the photoshoot, the girls are driven to some fancy-ass mansion in the Hollywood Hills where they are asked to convey rage in their photos. To facilitate their fury, the Wildboyz make an appearance, and join the girls in front of the camera while trying to anger and annoy them.
As usual, the gimmicks of ANTM deliver…pure lunacy.
And then Lisa decides to turn the madness up even more in one of the most memorable moments of ANTM history.
When I asked for more representation for the perpetually gastrointestinal upset, I did not mean this.
*Lady Gaga voice* Hereeeeee we go.
I think Nik speaks for all of us when she says:
A moment that, as they say, lives rent-free in my head.
But this episode contains yet another unforgettable moment, which occurs during elimination. But first, Miss J:
Icon, legend, period.
Then comes the time to send one girl home—or is it? Our bottom two stand before Tyra, riddled with anxiety over whose picture she will pull from the remaining pair in her hands. It’s not looking good—for either of them.
In a very-much-likely turn of events, it appears that both girls are being sent home. Everyone is shocked! Tears abound! Mayhem ensues!
And then in classic Tyra fashion—employing un petit psychological violence—she surprises everyone—including the bottom two—by announcing that no one is going home:
To quote Nicole from earlier: what is going on?
Everyone looks more scared than excited, and they should be.
At this point Nicole is like, “Can I just go home instead?”
Well, that concludes another wild ride. Thanks for taking it with me. What episode should we revisit next? Drop your suggestions in the comments!
Until next time.