Cryptocurrency FAQs

What is cryptocurrency?

Are you asking because you really want to know, or is this just an excuse to practice sleeping with your eyes open? If it’s the former, we’re happy to explain! But please refrain from allowing your eyes to glaze over. Your friend Doug probably won't notice it when he’s breaking down cryptocurrency by market capitalization over sangria and tapas...But we will know when you're immediately filled with regret for asking, “What’s new?,” and subsequently forced to break your vow never to bail on plans again after being in lockdown for over a year. Anyway, cryptocurrency is like money, only it’s not.

Why is cryptocurrency so popular?

That’s like asking, “Why is money so popular?” Cryptocurrency is money! (Kinda.) And money isn’t going anywhere anytime soon, except it is—because cryptocurrency is the future! Do you really want to waste your time standing in line at TD Bank, waiting to make a cash deposit or to get a cashier’s check? Their lollipops aren’t even that good!

How many cryptocurrencies are there? Can I spend them?

There are between twelve and thirty-thousand different types of cryptocurrencies. And of course you can spend them! But it’s not like the United States dollar, where you can just walk into a store and buy literally anything with it. Well, it is kind of like the dollar, in the sense that you can use it to buy stuff, it's just that most of the stuff won't be available in a store. Or on the internet. Or anywhere, really. BUT, that doesn’t mean there aren’t options: you can use bitcoin—the most popular cryptocurrency on the market/the only one anyone has ever heard of—to buy a Lamborghini or eat at a Pizza Hut in Venezuela right now!

That’s it? Is there any way to convert cryptocurrency into something I can put in my wallet?

Wait, you still have a wallet? What are you, like, thirty???

How do I buy cryptocurrency?

Listen to you! What do you mean 'how do you buy cryptocurrency'? The same way you would buy anything else—with money! Do you go walking around the supermarket asking people how to buy milk? No! Except, unlike milk, cryptocurrency isn’t obsolete. It’s where we’re going. It’s the oat milk of commerce. And you buy it like you would buy anything else. Except you’re paying money to buy not-money that is money. I mean, the word “currency” is right there, you know—are you even paying attention? Get with it, old! Anyway, it’s really easy to buy. You just, like, download an app or whatever.

Is cryptocurrency a good investment?

Hello, why even put the word “cryptocurrency” in a sentence if the verb “invest” isn’t attached to it? That’s the whole point—to invest in it! What else would you do with it? Sure, you could spend it, but we’ve made it abundantly clear how that works (loosely). Why do that when you can diversify your portfolio with things like Ethereum, XRP, and DragonNut (the bitcoin of tomorrow!) Cryptocurrency is going to totally revolutionize the banking and financial service industries! Banks BAD, crypto GOOD. What’s next, you’re going to ask if it’s safe? Ever heard of the phrase, “Without risk, there’s no reward"? They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question, and we’re not going to say that that is a stupid question—but we’ll type it. You might as well just ask us, “What is cryptocurrency?” again.

OK, but, what is cryptocurrency?

Good question.

I don't know who needs to hear this, but this post is satire.

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Credits

Cover art by: James Jeffers

Editorial assistant: Jesse Adele

You can always find past SOS nonsense and subscribe to more on Bulletin, and you can follow my other unhinged missives by following me on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. My debut memoir, Born to Be Public, is out now.